Envy, Gluttony, and the American Spirit of Hoarding

Thanks to traditional American values, the art of acquiring music gear in hopes of inspiring the creative muse, has been refined into a glorious form of gluttony.  I'm still scratching my head at the hard left turn that I took somewhere along the way in which my love of music transformed into brazen hoarding.  In an attempt to debug this debacle, I have come to three conclusions:

1)  Simple needs transform into overkill

2)  Pedalboard envy (similar to another type of male envy)

3)  Chemical imbalance within my brain

Since #3 is obvious, I was left with scrutinizing #1 and #2.  The first conclusion seems a no-brainer, but is the result of search for a simple tremolo turning into owning the latest Strymon spaceship with MIDI capabilities.  My search always starts out the same, locating a couple units within my budget and within specific guidelines.  Next comes the reviews, because buying something without reading a review is downright silly.  Some are more helpful, but some turn out like as such:

So let's break this down.  The OP (operational poster-child) wants a slapback delay in the range of $50 - $70.

So logically, an online humanoid recommends a $150 delay.

...followed by a $200+ recommendation....

Again, most people would ignore this advice.

The final and most common diagnosis I have made about excessive gear purchasing, is what I like to call Pedalboard Envy.  It comes from seeing a fellow musician's gear online, in a studio, or in the bathroom (a quick glance never hurt anybody).  There's something that's aesthetically pleasing about the brightly colored boxes and lacquer sprayed guitars we all seem to lust after.  In frequent cases, it's subliminal.  For example, this morning while drinking my sewage water store brand coffee, I came across a video on the Moog site of Helado Negro and Tom Selleck locking themselves in a studio for two days.  As in most situations, the result was pre marriage conception, and the slippery birth of a song.


Shaking Through: Helado Negro from Weathervane Music on Vimeo.

As I watched the video, I began meticulously scheming all of the delicious Moog products and CV routing options displayed before me.  I've always been cursed with the affliction of Moog lust.  Beautiful stained wood panels, with matte black finished aluminum housing.  And the knobs, OH! THE KNOBS!  After loading up my credit card with a Voyager XL, Taurus, two of every Moogerfooger, and overnight shipping, I realized I had just fallen into the clandestine trap of Pedalboard envy, of Tom Selleck.

Tom has apparently been using the pseudonym "Mikael Jorgensen".

It's best to be aware of these problems when buying gear.  You'll thank me later when you're selling off half your stuff to pay for your divorce.


- Stonewall

Stereotypes

As with most training, to fully understand the textual slap(s) on the wrist(s) that I will be handing out, certain terms must be defined.  In any sort of teaching (or parenting), a student must understand why they are being beaten, before (sometimes during or after) the beating has occurred.  Over the course of my music career, I have studied guitarists and their habits and have developed classifications for the different types that have emerged.  Not everyone falls into these categories, but many fall into one or two of them in some way or another.  Enjoy.

The Wookiee  (woo - key)(like cookie, with a "w")

Look at them, lingering.  

Wookiees spawn from interest in various metal and hardcore music, but also from Classic Rock bands of the 70's (Pink Floyd, Zeppelin).  Long greasy hair, faded black "Maiden" or "Floyd" shirts, and plain wranglers.  They are one of the most frowned upon guitarist types, not because of musical tastes, but due to lack of personal hygiene.  Although Wookiees despise Hippies, they have much in common with them (i.e. no job, horrible musk, lack of ability to properly communicate).  The main difference being Hippies do more drugs, and Wookiees play more video games.  The Wookiee will always travel in packs, and communicate through a form of grunting to one another.  Once a Wookiee pack migrates to a guitar store, they tend to linger long past the point of being welcome.  It's very common to see a Wookiee hunting for EMG pickups, and an amplifier with the utmost amount of gain.  Once comfortably seated, they dial the master volume of an amplifier well beyond tolerable playing level, and furiously pick 32nd notes.  Despite their impressive playing speed, their technique is rarely clean, and resembles the ascending and descending of basic scales.  Once satisfied (or kicked out), the Wookiee pack leaves, buying nothing, leaving a disconcerting aroma behind.


The Prattler (aka The Pretentious Snob) (pratt - ler)

Prattlers are a less common species of guitarist.  The average Prattler has a 6 digit income and a European made car, or a rich wife.  It is common to find a Prattler at a boutique music store, or a church.  They get along with most P&W guitarists, but despise everyone under the age of 35.  Be warned, being cornered into a conversation with a Prattler is inescapable.  However, most Prattlers are much too pompous to talk to anyone, being preoccupied with deciding which R9 to play at church next Sunday.  It is common for a Prattler to casually instigate conversation about an extremely swank boutique company (which shells out a grand total of four units each year), then scoff at you for having never heard of it.  Prattlers tend to spend long amounts of time, even days, playing high end instruments in stores.  Despite being well financed, they will always ask for bottom dollar on an instrument.  Very rarely do they buy the instrument.  On such occasions, they typically bring them back the following week with the remark, "It just wasn't the sound I was looking for."


The Hipster (vag - uh - bond)

Mmm, Starbucks.

Hipsters are a young form of guitarist, and usually evolve into a Prattler or an Academic.  In its early form, a Hipster commonly will commonly play P&W, John Mayer music, or the ever vague "Alternative" genre of music.  Being independent thinkers, they hang onto every word spewed from the newest Rolling Stone or AP magazine.  Since they are easy to spot (sporting a cardigan and a scarf in the summer), they are subject to quite a bit of ridicule.  A Hipster has to have the latest effects pedals with the most options (especially ones they will never use).  It is common for a Hipster to be on the waiting list for the latest Strymon spaceship pedal, with their old Eventide spaceship for sale with a pretentious price tag.  If you're not sure whether you're looking at a Hipster or an Indie Rocker, check his/her pedalboard for a JHS brand pedal.  That's a dead giveaway.

The Indie Rocker (saw - Nick - you - th)

This territory is fairly shaky, since the term "independent" can mean anything you damn well please.  This type of guitarist can be very innovative (mostly awful), and are downright weird people.  Indie Rocker and Electro Harmonix are commonly used together in speech when describing each other.  In many instances an IR is a niche shopper, looking for odd devices that turns a guitar signal into an 80's pad synth, or sets their amp aflame.  It is common to see Indie Rockers wielding an Offset Fender, slew of fuzzboxes, and quite possibly a mullet.  IR's have much in common with Hipsters, but don't like being called one.

The Academic (ack - uh - dem - ic)

The Academic is a guitarist that is more concerned technique and playing, than the gear itself.  In many cases,  an Academic will be able to outplay you on a broken guitar with no strings.  Due to most of its life spent practicing, the Academic is socially awkward.  Academics are friendly creatures, but sometimes can be competitive and territorial when in the vicinity of a formidable scholarly foe.  Due to fluctuating hormones, Academics will go through violent mood swings of sheer cockiness to utter depression, questioning their own ability as a musician.

P&W (Praise and Worship)(Disclaimer:  Nothing to do with religion)

Due to the ever growing trend of worship music sounding more and more like U2 and Coldplay, the emergence of the P&W guitarist came to be.  A typical modern P&W guitarist has 4+ delay units on their extremely tidy pedalboards.  They litter online forums with questions that they think only apply to themselves such as, "I need a direct box for P&W music, help!".  (In all of my research, I have not been able to discern a secular or religious DI box company, but I'll keep looking).  It is common for a P&W to speak of themselves as a full-time musician, believing that making whale noises for 15 minutes in church once a week counts them as such.  P&W guitarists are friendly.


This was a brief overview, and there are many sub genres which I may delve into someday (but probably not).  Frankly, if you don't fall into any of these categories you probably actually play guitar outside of your house.

Until next time.

- Stonewall

Controlling the Insatiable Lust: Delay

Due to the growing pedalboard envy (similar to the other type of male envy) of the middle class bedroom guitarist, planks of wood covered in shiny colored boxes have grown to substantial sizes.  It has become a trend for guitarists to spew forth boastful prophecies of the unlimited capabilities of their new noise making spaceships.  Forums once dedicated to making fun of Eric Clapton's latest haircut, are now flooded with threads variably titled "Is X or Y Delay Better For My Niche Use Of It?"  On a few occasions, I have spotted pedalboards in the wild that are completely covered in 5-6 Echo devices.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, no one will never need that much delay.  Ever.  *waits*


Now that all the Coldplay fans have angrily tightened their scarves and left the room.  If you've got that many echo boxes on a pedalboard, you've either:  A) wasted a lot of money, or B) don't leave the house. Most "textural" guitarists would argue this with me, but I would simply counter-question them if they can actually make a record or move out of their mother's basement.  Every time I read that someone is "needing" a delay for a specific niche function, my brain immediately assumes they are too lazy to bend over and turn a knob.

With that much echo or reverb EVERYTHING SOUNDS THE SAME.  Congratulations, you've made a post rock song, now make another that doesn't sound just like it.  Reverb and Echo can be useful to create depth if you're clever.  Ever notice how dry everything on a Radiohead record is?

 Listen to Thom's voice (pronounced th - Ah - m)  around 1:00.  Next listen around 2:03 for when echo is used on his voice.  It's very subtle but it sounds huge.  Why?, because it's not clashing with all that useless noise you've already made.  As much as we all dream, not everyone can be Ed O'Brien and get paid to stand around, tap delays, and do nothing.

"What key are we in guys?!?!?"

So when you're trying to decide how to fit your M13, Timeline, Timefactor, and Space all on your Pedaltrain Supreme, just remember, you're probably making whale sounds.  So, please stop.  One of the turning points for me in using delay was limiting myself to one that has a limited range (DM3, Maxon AD9) and seeing what cool things I can do with it.  Long quarter notes echoes are boring, and dotted 8th delays should be left to the Edge/P&W guitarists.


You may be asking yourself, "So now that he's trashed everyone, what does he use?".  Well to answer your question:  3 Echoplex's with a single tape being strung through all of the units (counts as one long delay), and a spring reverb tank which I have replaced the stock springs with slinkys.

(I'm just kidding, it's only a double.  The third was photoshopped)

- Stonewall