Finally, a Stonewall Pedalboard Rundown

Hello all!

Rather than write another smug blog post today, I thought I'd post my most recent pedalboard photo, with a little explanation of my rig as of now.  Like many silly people, I used to tote around a much larger board than needed, complete with a multi FX spaceship for wiggly underwater sounds.  But I've learned, the more crap you bring with you the more things can go wrong.  I will leave those topics for future posts, I digress.  Feel free to chime in with any recommendations,tips, or lessons learned!

I made it a point about a year ago to buy a PT Jr. with the intention of never going larger than the space the Jr. would allow.  This way, I had to truly decide if I was actually using something or not, and if it was really worth bringing to a gig.  95% of the time my signal chain is solely Tuner>Octafuzz>RC Booster>DM3.  The Octafuzz may get swapped for my Tall Font Russian (Green Muff clone) if I'm feeling a little more "muffy" on a given day, but it is a rare occurrence.  I've been through a number of pedals throughout my musical career, so I used to have quite a habit of constantly swapping things out.  The reason why these four pedals have stuck is because they sound good no matter which axe I'm playing.  It may sound obvious or silly, but if you haven't figured it out, some pedals sound like total crap with guitar X, but sounds spectacular with guitar Y.  Being a minimalist, I don't want to have to tote 3 extra overdrive pedals around because each one only sounds good with one guitars.  I will now provide you with a quick synopsis of how I use them in my rig, in the order of the signal flow.  I play a Tele, Gibson 339, Jaguar, Baritone Tele, and a Guild S-100.  I run everything through an Orange Rockerverb 50, using both channels.  EQ fairly flat with a slight mid boost.  Clean is clean.  Dirty channel is a little past the point of breakup.  Sometimes (but rarely) I run in stereo with an AC30, set to a similar sound to the Dirty Orange channel.  Volume knob to clean up.

Tuner:  I have no brand preference on this.  As long as it works, and doesn't suck my signal dry it works for me.  I much prefer a tuner that has a "Strobe" feature, which is a more accurate way to tune.  The "Poly" function on this tuner is nice, but I don't use it often.  However, I've been in a situation where I know I'm out of tune, have four seconds to figure out which string is unruly, and fix it before a lead phrase comes up.  I will say that using the "Poly" function as your sole tuning method is not a good idea.  Even though I've had everything "in tune", it clearly wasn't the case.

Moog Murf:  I can't really even describe in words what this pedal does.  Long story short, each of those sliders is a different filter and you can select 12 different patterns for the filters.  By flipping the LFO switch, you can reverse the pattern that you have selected.  I use this as my "modulation" on my board.  I can get a cool choppy tremolo, phasery/vibey swirly sounds, and arpeggiator-esque sounds (minus pitch modulation).  To be honest, it doesn't really do any of those in a "traditional sense" and that's why I love it.  It has a "Drive" knob so you can add some analog distortion to the sounds to make them even weirder.  I have no quarrel with bending over and changing the settings on a pedal, so I don't need a modulation spaceship with presets.  There really aren't any good videos that do this pedal justice out right now.  I hope to maybe make one someday (but it'll never happen).  This is the best one, which actually wasn't released very long ago by Moog themselves.  Just wait for the Murf segment to hear it.  I do also have a Moog Ring Mod that I love dearly and sometimes that will replace the Murf on the board.  The Moog pedals have built in buffers so I have it at the beginning of my board, and the DM3's buffer at the end of the board.

Micro POG:  Here's another weird pedal.  I actually use it quite a bit, and it tracks quite well.  The POG stuff is discussed quite a bit so I won't get into much detail.  I primarily use it for a Bass Octave, Octave up-esque sound, and B3 organ when combined with the Murf.  I never run the octave settings past 1 or 2 o' clock because it can start sounding a bit cheesy.  I used to have both a HOG and a POG2, but I settled on the Micro POG for my needs.  The HOG was just way too weird.  The POG2 was nice, but it was way too large, and I was really only using it for stuff the Micro POG could cover.  It's a good way to catch someone's attention with a lick.  It's also not like a Whammy or even the HOG where you write a song around a lick you made with this pedal.  You can actually turn it on and it sounds cool just over some playing.  I like to play Leo Nocentelli (The Meters) riffs with this.

Ghost Echo:  I own an EHX Cathedral that I was using fairly regularly.  But since it's such a large pedal and it can suck some signal, I've been starting to experiment with this Eartquaker reverb.  I normally put a reverb at the end of my chain, but this unit doesn't have much headroom so I have to put it before my boosts.  I don't use much reverb, but I don't like walking over to the amp to turn it up or down.  It's pretty extreme, so I keep the settings low.  Like it's name implies it has some slapback qualities if you dial it in right.  You could probably use it as a really short delay if you wanted.  I have been enjoying it, so it'll stay (for now).

Octafuzz:  I actually rarely use the "Octa" setting on the toggle switch.  The "Fuzz" is just nasty.  Mike Fuller could seriously just make the "Fuzz" side of this pedal and I would buy it.  It sounds HUGE into the clean channel of my Orange.  You can also get this really fantastic gated sound into the dirty channel.  I love this fuzz because it sounds epic whether I'm using single coils or humbuckers.  It's the first fuzz I found that works well with both types of pickups without farting out with the other.  Can't say enough good things.

RC Booster:  I've gotten further and further away from overdrives and much more into clean boosts.  I love the sound of my amp, so why the hell would I want it to sound like something else?  The RC is the first real "transparent" boost I've fallen in love with.  I'm sorry Paul C., the Timmy sounds pretty good, but just isn't "transparent" compared to this.  My Klon now sits on the shelf collecting dust since I've gotten this.  It seems to fatten things up in all the right places without adding a Mid-hump that most do.  It does add some slight Treble frequencies, but that's what the Shelf EQ is for!  The Shelf is probably my favorite feature about this boost.  My Gibson can be a bit boomy, so I like to roll back the Bass and give it a touch of Treble.  With my Tele, I roll off some of the harsh Treble, and some of the boominess of the neck pickup by rolling the Bass back a hair.  I can't say enough great things about this.  I've even considered getting a second.  

DM3:  Like many of you, I love delays.  But this IS my favorite delay.  Hands down, no questions asked.  I own the Moog delay, DL4, DMM and I've owned/tried dozens more and this is it for me.  I had tried a DM2 before and always wanted one, but I was really skeptical of the shorter delay time.  After a good friend let me try his I had to get one.  Like with my PT Jr., being limited really allows me to get creative with my delays (long delays are overrated anyways).  The slapback is superb.  You can also do some pretty insane indie-rocker stuff with it.  I won't say anymore, I love this thing.


Well there it is.  There are a handful of runner ups, but those four aren't going anywhere in the foreseeable future.  I power everything with a mounted PP2+.  I use some nice Fender patch cables I got for a good price too.  I try not to get hung up on the small stuff like cables.  Please don't misjudge, other pedals are great.  This is just what has worked best for me.

- Stonewall

Freshly Squeezed Signal. Compression.

I apologize for my disappearance the past week.  Sometimes trials in life require a good smiting, and I had some "project management training" that needed a good dose of smite.  Anyhow, a topic I've been wanting to address that has been grinding my gears lately, is compression.  I'm not going to get into what compression actually is, because there are a number of excellent articles about it, but I will hit on a few key points about compression here and there.  A compressor has a variety of applicable uses for guitarists.  It can give a nice "pop" to your sound if you're swattin' at some funk guitar.  If you're doing some serious finger tapping, compression can definitely help bring your signal up in the mix.  A soft right-hand fingertip just isn't going to give you same sustain as a plastic pick.

Do I Need a Compressor?
The short answer to 95% of you is, no you probably don't.  Most pedal junkies assume that a compressor is something needed to complete their ever changing pedalboard of smugness.  Let's be real here, having one of everything is much more American than just having what you need.  Am I right?  Compression really isn't an "effect", but is actually a "dynamic".  In a basic sense, it will bring up the signal of softer dynamics, and smash down some of the more extreme signals.  In most cases if you know that compression is being used, you're most likely using it wrong.  Many of you are about to retort, "This chump has some kind of nerve!  Everyone knows there shouldn't be any RULES to using effects!"  True, but these people also live horribly discontent lives trying to figure out why their guitar tone isn't spinning the world the opposite direction.  A compressor does not cover up bad playing, in fact, it enhances it.  If you suck, you will still suck.  A common "reason" many people buy them is to add some more "sustain" to their lead phrases.  Most compressors will do this, but they also raise the noise floor adding quite a bit of muck to your signal.  So in addition to that sweet string bend you just ripped, you also blasted everyone with quite a bit of snake hiss as well.

Another common "misuse" of a compressor pedal, is using it with an already overdriven signal.  Ladies and gents, an overdriven signal is already compressed.  This fact is especially true if you're using a tube amp that's cooking.  At that point you're simply squashing and already squashed signal.

But Stonewall, What about Transparent Compressors?!?
There are a lot of Jabronis that are going to talk up the Diamond, Keely, etc comps. While excellent compressors, I would argue that given most people's needs, you don't need something like that. I'm going to take it a step further and say that if you're playing live at stage volume, having a transparent compressor is pointless.  Unless you're using extreme settings for a very compressed sound (which defeats the purpose of a transparent compressor). If you're using a tube amp, playing at stage volume will add natural compression.  I fell into the trap of playing the nicer ones and owning a lot of the big names. When I played live with them, I never touched them because I didn't need to.  Also, as "transparent" as most of them are, they will add a dash of Treble to your signal.  If you're doing A LOT of recording, then a nicer compressor may be up your alley. However, wouldn't most studios have a nice thousand dollar compressor... 

So What IS a Compressor Good For?!?
In classic Stonewall fashion, I've now berated a topic and now most of you are wondering what the point of a compressor really is.  Having a compressor can be a convenient Swiss Army knife for a number of situations.  Have you ever had to use a backline at a gig?  If you have, you can appreciate the frustration of showing up at a gig only to realize you will be performing with a 100 watt solid-state POS.  Even an extremely high wattage clean tube amp (a Twin comes to mind) can be a pain.  Having a compressor handy can give you a little more sustain to work with.  It'll be a lot like slapping a band-aid on a bleeding ulcer, but you do what you can.

I've seen a number of artists do some really innovative stuff with compressors to help keep a strong signal, like rhythmic tapping stuff.  If you haven't already, check out Minus the Bear's Highly Refined Pirates record.  Dave Knudsen is the master of tapping and compression.  That album is drenched in the blood of a Boss CS3 and a Barber Tone Press.  Two compressors!  He's even been fabled to have used an FMR Really Nice Compressor during live performances as well.  A lot of chickin' pickers like compression because it give them a good "spank" while they're firing off the licks of the South.

Sweet mother of delay...

I've worked in some pretty lo-fi studios home studios, doing some session work for local artists.  Having a nice transparent compressor is nice in such a situation, because the "engineer" may not even know what compression is.

It's best to evaluate your needs and really understand why you would actually need a compressor, rather than gripe about why you don't have one.


-  Stonewall

Fender Brings Down the Backhand of Justice

If you're a follower of recent guitar news, like myself, you may have come across this The Tennessean article.  Long story short, big bad FMIC (Fender Music Infatuation Conservatory) is laying the smack down on private builder Kelton Swade for blatant use of the Fender logo.  Kelton Swade creates "Authentic Vintage Replicas", claiming them to be "better than the original.  Fender is currently suing this horribly threatening one man company for $2 million dollars for each infringement.  That's a lotta nickels my friends.  In Fender's defense, he was being a stubborn hick when on multiple occasions, Fender told him to knock it off and stick to moonshine.

Solomon: You got this one? 
Tummler: Yep. 
Solomon: [looks at the cat, and lowers Tummler's BB gun] Don't kill the bitch. It's a house cat. 
[the cat runs off] 
Tummler: It's a lesbian cat. You can tell. Solomon:  Looks like my mom. 
- Gummo (1997)

With claims of "being better than the original" flying around, I had to investigate.  Last time this claim was made, KFC promised their new recipe to be "better than original".  I spent the next day camped out on the john, with the same squirts I do with their standard chicken. Myth:  Busted.  Anyhow, landing on Swade's webpage, I was greeted by the smug grin of Keith Urban creepily staring back at me.  After searching for a solid two minutes, I noticed that none of his guitars have a "Fender" logo on them at all.  Just your standard Fender rip-offs, but no logos.  My only speculation is that he was using a Fender waterslide decal all sneaky like, upon special request.

Like most scandals, I assume this attention to Kelton Swade's business is probably booming.  This dances in the same boat as my previous post on pedal cloning.  The ironic fact about this debacle, is as innovative as Leo was, not all of his designs were original.  As one reader reminded me in my previous cloning post:

"If people didn't wholeheartedly rip off others' (circuits), after all, we'd never have Marshall amps, Mesa-Boogie, or even Fender (who took their designs straight from the RCA playbook, so to speak). While that trend hasn't been great for consumers when it comes to prices, it has been huge with regard to innovation

I can't fault someone for trying to protect their design, but music electronic circuits are simple and there is so little out there that hasn't been done before. That leaves designers with little choice - a certain amp company takes a legal intimidation route and slaps patents on circuit elements regardless of if they're new ideas or not (they aren't) - going so far to warn would-be cloners on their schematic drawings. Very few small builders have the money to pay for a lengthy legal battle though so they can intimidate any small builder they want. Oddly enough they haven't gone after big companies..."

 Although he is talking about circuits, this applies to guitars too.  There are only so many shapes builders can use before ideas start to degenerate (resulting in the Firebird X).  I've made this argument before, but as much as I love Fender, they have a knack for reproducing the same ol' guitars, crappy hardware (think stock jaguar bridge), and shotty pickups.  Let's be real here, unless you spend well over $1,200, the stock electronics in a Fender guitar blow (even then, they're only adequate).  By the time I finished replacing the worthless components in my Fenders, I had sunk quite a bit more money into it.  Gibson is the same way.  

I can see Fender pretentiously suing overseas companies because they were pretending to actually BE the Fender company.  But strong-arming a backwoods guitar builder seems a bit silly.  Anyhow, I'm curious as to what the opinion of the masses is.

- Stonewall

Wigglestix: A Rambling Attempt at a Gear Review

Over the past couple of years I have become increasingly interested in various tremoloing devices on my six string companions.  For a number of years, I had played a Tele equipped with a nice vintage-style brass bridge as my only guitar.  Oh, how I could sling that slab of wood around like a promenading unicorn for hours without having to tune it.  Being content with hardtails for years and despondent of vintage tremolo systems, it wasn't until acquiring a Johnny Marr Jaguar last January, that I fell in love with the idea of a tremolo system.  I now had the ability to vibrato my pretentious diminished 7th chords (2nd inversion, of course) ever so softly, all the while, my pants becoming increasingly tighter.

Is it just me or does he make quite a bit of duck face?

My next rational conclusion, was that I now had to have a trem on everything.  I am a huge Keith Richards fan, and have always had copious amounts of guitar envy for his famous ebony ES-355 guitar.  So after doing some research and easily succumbing to the peer pressure of my friends, I decided that I wanted to throw a Bigsby B5 and V5 Vibramate kit on my Gibson ES339.  

I will recite some famous words attributed to a good luthier friend of mine, that the Bisby is the epitomy of "yesterday's technology, at tomorrow's prices".  Given, I understand name brand theory and the fact that the sheer amount of metal content in a Bigsby is worth it's weight in gold, I already knew this would be a costly endeavor.  So, being a stubborn nancy, I waited almost a year until I was able to jump on a deal of $100 for the whole shebang.  

After receiving the Bigglesby in the mail and installing it, I was immediately happy with the aesthetic of the tremolo.  Cause hey, who actually plays their guitar anyways?  After a minor set up by myself, I stroked my first chord and went for the bar on the wiggling device, only to be greeted by a horrible creak.  I removed the strings and meticulously filed the nut and saddles of my guitar.  With strings returned, I tried again.  "PING!".  The sound resulted in a conditioned response for me to want to strike the nearest person in the room.  Since no one was around, I unleashed my rage on my beloved life-size cardboard Elvis cut out.  

Poor guy, never saw it coming.

With my knuckles bleeding from the cement wall conveniently placed behind Elvis's beautiful head, I lay on the floor regaining my composure.  What was I to do?  I began to investigate my stock bridge, only to discover that when the Bigsby was engaged the stock ABR1 bridge on the 339 wiggled back and forth.  This also caused the guitar to fall horribly out of tune.  

So I began researching ways to remedy this bridge issue, (as well a DIY handbrace for my recently broken hand).  I came across various remedies for the stock bridge, most of which only seemed to create new problems.  

Finally, I came across a handful of notable companies that made a "locking ABR1".  The concept of this device is to pin a modified ABR1 bridge between your thumbwheels with screws that come down from the top, and screw into the bridge.  I sent out identical inquiries to each of these various manufacturers asking them what they would recommend for my situation.  One manufacturer was quick to respond, but rather than be helpful, he took the smug route and told me I was a moron for putting a Bigsby on a Gibson.  Scratch one from the list.  I finally received a very helpful reply from CV Guitars that sells the Faber Locking Bridge.  

Quick Gibson 101 lesson:  Gibson currently uses shotty zinc as the metal for their tailpieces, posts, pins.  As a result, sustain and low end are lost.  Many people recommend upgraded to aluminum, steel, or brass parts.  

Anyhow, the Faber locking bridge has (*edit) nickel plated brass saddles, locking mechanism, and is about $50 cheaper than the previous smug manufacturer's.  The CV website also claims to "Sell Tone", and since everything on the internet is true, I decided to order their locking tailpiece and steel bridge pins (for further theoretical increase in sustain).  After receiving the parts in the mail, I handed my guitar off to my favorite guitar repairman for a professional set up.  Once back in my arms, it was time to test out all this hard work (and money spent on all this business).  There was an immediate difference in acoustic sound.  The 5th and 6th string retained a significant amount of bottom end, there was more sustain, and overall the guitar was a lot brighter.  Now if you don't know me know that I actually like a darker sound from my Gibsons, (cause treble is for p*&@ies) so the increased brightness (wasn't bad) had to be accommodated for.  Personal preference.  After playing (not wanking) for a solid 6 hours this weekend, I think I have everything dialed in. The main fix is that the guitar stays in tune wonderfully, and THERE IS NO F$%#ING PING!

Overall, I'm very happy with how everything worked out.  It ended up costing more than my poor wallet wanted to spend, but you win some you lose some. 

- Stonewall

Copies, Cloning and Modding. Ethics?

I apologize for falling off the map for a few days.  The weekend hit, and my other job translating Keith Richard's everyday speech into understandable dialogue caught up with me.  I was able to get back to the ol' interwebbing machine and catch up on some music news.  However, it seems the air of music news has been fairly stagnant as of late.  Aside from, Scott Weiland getting fired from his band (again, and apparently is the only one who hasn't realized it) and Lamb of God vocalist being acquitted of murder, not much has happened.  Yet, on a more guitar-related note, one idea caught my attention this weekend which concerns the topic of pedal modding and cloning.  This topic has been beaten like a dead horse into Jack Link's jerky, so I could care less whether you're for or against it. After coming across a few interesting threads recently, it sparked me so to write about it.  Insightful and/or angry reader feedback on this topic is much appreciated.

These are just a couple of observations.  Enjoy!

On Cloning and Reincarnations
Like it or not, it seems to be that pedal cloning (like venereal disease) is here to stay.  Point to point recreations of your favorite pedal can be found in any color for an affordable (or pretentiously inflated) price.  While many snobbishly devalue the authenticity of sound produced by these units (while ever so softly stroking their golden Klon), it seems that a majority of people have embraced cloning with open arms.  However, what line should be drawn where cloning becomes blatant stealing of a manufacturer?  Is everything fair game?  This topic also dances the legal line with reproductions.  Clearly, basic circuits such as T808's, Fuzz Face, Rat, etc. can be easily replicated by even the most intermediate of electrical wizards.  I believe most people have accepted the fact that these are going to commonly available from your favorite boutique manufacturer with their own flavor (such as the toggle switch that engages better playing).

However, what about recreations of circuits that are fairly new (ie. Klon, OCD, Timmy)?  Since the Klon KTR has finally emerged from Bill Finnegan's womb after fermenting for multiple years, many Kloners are believed to be tightrope walking on the line of ethics.  To be honest, I could care less either way.  I peacefully and comfortably rest with the fence firmly lodged between my cheeks, and no intention of moving despite all the tomatoes being thrown.  Personally, I like buying from the original manufacturer.  I'm a big fan of the "if you made it, you deserve the $$$" ethic.  However, I can appreciate the fact that some independent pedal builders recreate famous circuits and take it to the next level.  Aside from the obvious replacing of cheap resistors and chips for nicer ones, I love it when builders add others features that aren't present on the original version.  Sometimes those are necessary to get the sound out of your head, through your amp.  Shelf EQ, clipping options, runaway feedback, pig squeals, etc are great usable features I love to see on clones.  This brings me to my next topic.

Pedal Modding
This topic isn't so much an ethics question as an observation.  Pedal modding has made "life" so much more convenient by simply adding custom features to your favorite pedal, instead of having to buy a second pedal for the niche function.  Since the emergence of popular modders such as Analogman and Keeley, the number of pedal modders has exploded.  So many in fact, that it has become difficult to sift through some of sh%* to find the corn.  How does one possibly pick what builder to go with?  The answer my friend, is reputation and research.  Reading reviews are helpful, but sometimes you have to read between the lines about a builder.  Here's a personal story I'd like share, with moral to follow.  In proper Stonewall fashion, I will leave names nameless.

(**Disclosure:  I have nothing against repairmen (save maybe this one).  In fact, most of them I adore because they fix my stuff.  I trust them, and I have a couple really fantastic friends that are the only ones I will trust them with my stuff.)

Once upon a time, I received a big box EHX Deluxe Memory Man in trade for some various gear.  The previous owner had it modded by a notable EHX pedal modder. I will call him X. The mod was neat, but I never really used it's extra features aside from the increased delay time.  Eventually, I started getting some weird noises that occurred only with the repeats.  I brought the DMM to my favorite certified electronics wiz. He looked at it, did some poking around, but gave it back to me saying that I should send it to the gentleman who originally modded the DMM to be properly fixed. So I sent X an email, explaining the ordeal and that I had someone previously look at it. X replied saying that without looking at the pedal he estimated (also known as a blind guesstimate, which does not bind a repairman to a price) around $100 to fix it, which I thought was a reasonable guess. So I sent it to X. X opened it up and shot me a reply shortly after that which said it was looking at costing more like $200 (also known as a quote, which IS binding to a repair man). Yikes. Expensive, but I loved the pedal and I was ready to be done with the problem. 

Well another couple of weeks went by, and I was beginning to wonder what was up. Finally, X got back and said that my repairman had "undone his mod", and that he was going to charge me full price to remod the pedal AND charge me a service fee for "repair". The NEW price he quoted me was $400. I was absolutely astonished, I told him that I wasn't going to pay that much.  Like most repair places, I was under the understanding that if price was anticipated to rise above the quoted price, I would be notified.  X told me that my pedal was already fixed, it would sit on the shelf for a couple weeks, and if I didn't pay he would just sell it on eBay for $450+.

I didn't have a choice but to give up the pedal. I didn't have $400, and I could find a used one for less (since I wasn't using the mod feature). To be honest, I was fuming angry. Typically I don't get angry, I let things go or get very smug.  I understand that a preliminary quote over email doesn't count until they've looked at your item. However, I already received a new quote AFTER the pedal was looked at. The third and final price was a ridiculous amount, and came out of nowhere.  There wasn't enough evidence to follow with any legal action.  I also made the "mistake" of saying in one of my first emails (before the 2nd quote) telling him "to do whatever he needs to get it rolling again".  I guess I didn't see that as an invitation to double his fee at the time.

After this debacle, I did some looking into X on a couple of the forums.  Most of the X's posts on these forums were defense posts or excuses for shotty work, or blaming pedals that were returned not working on shipping companies.  Standing behind your work (without bad excuses) as a builder/modder is a good way to set yourself apart from every other Jabroni out there.  I find this to be excellent advice for any independent pedal builder/cloner/reduplicator/cat lover out there.  The lesson to be learned is to do proper research before sending your pedal somewhere.  Although I don't have any endorsements or affiliations (I actually currently don't own any of his stuff), I think it is an excellent idea to shoot Analogman an email and pick his brains about the mods you want.

-  Stonewall

Being a Consumer, and Being an A$%*@#!

Up until recently, I had been employed by some form of retail work, dating to the dark ages of age 16.  I was a strapping young lad, eager to prove to the world that I could be an exceptional salesman.  Eventually, I landed a sales job at my favorite brick and mortar guitar shop.  Oh, how the excitement coursed through my body.  I would get to spend a majority of my week surrounded by these magical instruments we all love, helping seasoned guitarists, scoffing at hipsters, and squandering all of my cash.  However, being a salesman teaches you how to be a better customer.  Why?  Because it makes you realize when you're being an a$%*@#!, because you deal with some.  So here are a few tips on how to be a better customer.  Enjoy:

(Disclaimer:

I will say this, I did not work on commission.  Most people never believed me when I told them, but I never got an extra dime for selling a Squier Bullet or an R9.  When I was being helpful it was for personal satisfaction.  Maybe that would've changed my outlook on this?  Doubtfully.)

If They Put in the Time, Give Them the Dime

This really should go without saying, yet, you would be surprised how many braggarts would do this to a salesman or a store.  A good salesman will be able to "feel you out" (a mental version of feeling you up) and see if you prefer to be walked through your purchase, or if you like to be left alone with your own disgusting thoughts to make up your mind.  If a salesman gives you excellent service and answers all of your questions (correctly) or gives you a great deal, don't be a prick and buy it somewhere else.  (Example below) However, if you have to buy something online from your favorite store, but need to try something out locally,  try not to waste people's time.  I strongly recommend buying locally, but you do what you gotta do. 

Example:

Customer X walks in.  Says he wants a Multi FX processor because he plays in a cover band and needs lots of swirly wiggly sounds.  X wants something decent, so he's willing to spend extra the nickels for it.  I give him three choices because I don't want to sell him more than he needs, but also give him a quality piece of equipment.  X begins to take interest in the Line 6 M13 spaceship I've shown him.  Now X wants to give the unit a go (also known as third base with the ladies).  I get him all plugged in, show him the basics of editing and saving presets, then cut him loose on it.  Soon a plethora of delayed arpeggios, warm wiggly vibrato sounds, and perplexing ring modulant sounds fill the air.  I return to customer X who's grinning from ear to ear.  X excitedly asks me if this has the ability to switch his amp channels (X owns a mystical MIDI controlled H&K amp) so he can just bring one piece of gear to a gig and be done.  Since I don't know, I tell X that I will do my best to find out.  I find my Line 6 support number and wheel it in to my rotary phone.  After a disgusting wait, question answered (finally), I return to X telling him the good news, that the M13 spaceship will do what he wants.  We start talking price.  Although there aren't any sales going on at the store, I snip some off that price tag for X, because he's a gigging musician like myself.  X tells me he's going to the bank to get a check cashed for the device.  I'm proud because I've sold a Line 6 spaceship, and fulfilled another customers needs.  Not long after he leaves, the phone rings and the caller ID displays "Evil Empire" (GC).  I answer the phone, and I am greeted by the grunting of some form of chimpanzee pretending to a customer, asking me what my bottom dollar is for a M13 spaceship.  I give him a clever answer that gives our pretend customer a go around (I know it's him because he's called before with the same clever pseudonym).  I'm suspicious of X, but I know he'll come back because I occasionally have faith in humankind (no more). The day ends, X never comes back.  I see X a few weeks later when he pops back into the store.   After some small talk, I come to find he cashed his check, and took his filthy money to the Evil Empire and purchased the M13 spaceship for the same price I quoted him.  Wonderful.

Research and Compromise

Most intelligent humanoids research the value of their gear before they perform a trade-in, to protect themselves from getting a thumb in their tush.  There are smart ways, and there are idiotic ways of doing this.  

Idiotic Way:  Doing a generic Google or eBay search, finding the highest price listed, and assuming that's the value.

Stonewall's Way:  Looking your item up on eBay and one other source (TGP, Blue Book, Online Used Gear Retailer), clicking on "Completed Listings", and finding an average sale value for the instrument.  

Why is this important?  There's nothing more frustrating for both parties, than for some moron to bring his old Kay archtop with a broken bridge in, and demand $500 in trade because "Jack White played this same guitar in some YouTube video that they saw".  So please, keep cretinism within the walls of your own home.

The next step is to understand that 90% of the time, you're not going to get that value.  Why?  The store will want to sell it for that value, meaning they need to give you less in order to make something called "profit".  "Blasphemy!" you say to me.  Well guess what, you just failed Stonewall's Business 101 course.  So what does it mean then?  Should we all just start throwing our old sh*% away?  No.  The next step is to see if they can work on the other end of the deal and clip some off the price of what you want to buy.  From here on out you will have to use your own defective judgement to decide yea or nay.  If you can't fork it over, you'll have to try your hand at selling or consigning.  In most cases, I personally say to hell with it and do the trade in.

Don't Be a Fart

This one's short and sweet.  It's fine to kill an hour or so at a guitar store.  But don't waste people's time pretending to buy something if you're not.  If the store isn't busy, use your own discretion.  However, staying from open til close is like lingering flatulence, no one's enjoying it and you can't pretend you didn't do it.  One last thing, the items at a music store aren't yours yet.  So it's fine to try high dollar guitars out, but don't bring your crafted lead guitar pick and your hammer hands and bang on stuff.  That's just rude.  I don't go to your house and rub my hairy chest all over your pillows, so stop, or I will.

Remember, a music store isn't a grocery store or a gas station.  You don't go to it because it's a chore or because you simply have to, you go to it because it's an enjoyable place.  

- Stonewall